a beautiful mess

I'm going to try blogging again, and hopefully I'll have a new and improved blog and design website up soon. I've missed it. For a while I did it as an outlet when I needed a break from my work at home job. Now that I get to "mom" full time, I have all the time in the world! Haha... that's what I thought, but life has certainly kept me on my toes.

Let's give a Monday Musings format a try, shall we? 

I've been listening to podcasts lately during dinner prep and while I drive (I can't remember the last time I listened to the radio, and I don't miss it or the ridiculous ads at all!) My favorites are Sorta Awesome, Surviving Sarah, The Popcast, Personality Hacker, Chris Loves Julia Podcast, and most recently, Young House Love Has a Podcast. Sometimes I indulge in a little true crime! "Serial" was the catalyst for my podcast obsession! These lovely moments of audio goodness have been a game changer, since I don't have a lot of time to sit down and read. I feel like I'm getting something more out of my mundane dishwashing/laundry/driving. 

I just bought Steffany Gretzinger's latest album, The Undoing. Ugly tears every time I listen to Cecie's Lullaby. Truly a momma's song. The whole album is perfect. 

I may have finally, sorta, kinda, jumped on the "stay at home moms have the hardest job" bandwagon. Almost. I still believe my ex-fellow work at home moms have us beat. I'm contemplating re-hiring our old maids, because our house has never been messier. I like to call myself the human conveyor belt. My house is only "guest ready" on Tuesdays, and there is always a wet load of clothes in the washer and sand from the backyard trailing the kitchen floor. I don't remember the last time I dusted the blinds, and every day is a marathon of meals, baths, diapers, disciplining, and reheated coffee. I'm learning to love and embrace the chaos. Any other ENFJ's out there trying to figure out the SAHM life?

Whole 30- We made it to day 9, and I can confidently say that I feel at home in the kitchen with ONLY healthy food now. I never really have until this week, and like I told my mom and dad, who know better than anyone else what a sweet tooth I have, my 30-year-old self has finally kicked the sugar habit! It only took 4 days on plan, which to me is fully unbelievable, but believe it, because I've walked past my kids' snack bucket at least 8,000 times and....nothing! This is coming from someone who struggled with a complete lack of self control around sugar and carbs. Another game changer! My favorite breakfast- sweet potato hash with grilled onions, fried eggs, and homemade salsa. Fav lunch- chicken burger with guac and arugula. Favorite dinner- crockpot pulled pork with pineapple salsa.


My boy is a reader now! He loves loves loves to read. His love for learning is trickling down to his sisters and he is able to lead them in such a fun way. Morning book club has been a favorite new tradition this summer. It's also my time to drink coffee, have my quiet time and work on my interior design projects.


At last, our family has a zoo membership! I never wanted to commit due to the lack of time, but thanks to a generous family gift, we were able to buy a zoo membership and have made good use of it so far! I have major love for Wild Kratz sparking a fascination with animals in my kids, and now I get to see the sparkle in their sweet little eyes every time we see a "real" animal! The unlimited carousel rides aren't bad either!

My last thoughts are about being a stay at home mom. I've waited for this for years. I patiently (and sometimes not so patiently) waited for God to provide a way for me to stay at home, and thank the Lord, it happened early this year. My hubs is amazing, really the most wonderful man, and because of his hard work, I'm finally able to really BE with my kids. I hated, just hated, banning them to their rooms/cribs and shutting myself in the closet to work without noise or distractions. It was no bueno. In all honestly, I relied on anxiety/depression meds for those last few month. My friends and family prayed hard for a big change, and I'm so grateful for the answered prayer!

It surprised me how long it took to adjust. People would ask "Are you just loving staying at home?!" and I wouldn't know how to answer. It was really difficult going from hard deadlines and a constantly busy environment to -nothing- ... no deadlines, no more motivation to get things done because your paycheck relied on it! Very conflicting feelings were felt. Why did it feel so hard when all I'd wanted for years was THIS? There was definitely a mourning period, a recovery period, and at last a feeling of peace. There were lots of lazy days, lots of learning how to self-motivate, lots of reminding myself that it was okay to actually play with the kids or take a long walk to the park at 9am. In a weird way, I had to un-brainwash myself from the patterns of life and parenting that had been my life for 6 years. Schedules and routines are not my forte, unless they are forced upon me, lol, so that has been a work in progress as well.

I'm still adjusting, to be honest. It's not what I thought it would be, but it's so much better than what I could have asked for. My calling was obviously elsewhere, and after years of wondering what my purpose truly was, I think I've found it right here in this beautiful mess.